Taking the Colbert questionnaire
And hoping you do the same
Stephen Colbert’s last two shows on CBS are tonight (Wednesday) and tomorrow night. I don’t feel sorry for him, exactly—he is wealthy and adored and seems to have a wise perspective on life. He’ll be fine. But it does suck that he got canceled for telling the truth and being in the way of some political maneuvering far above his pay grade. Beyond the bigger and more fundamental losses, there’s a simpler loss: Stephen Colbert brought a distinctive voice to late-night TV. He was never afraid to get serious.
One of his signature bits was the Colbert Questionnaire (which he spells Questionert, to replicate the French spin he puts on his last name). It’s a mix of silly and profound, which is a good way to describe Colbert himself. Best as I can tell, he has done the segment more than 80 times on the show, posing 15 questions to everybody from Scarlett Johansson to former President Obama. Tonight, for the first time, he plans to answer the questionnaire himself.
So in tribute, I thought I’d do the questionnaire* today. What I really, want, though, is for YOU to do the questionnaire down in the comments. Here’s a good chance for us Shedheads to really get to know one another.
*It seems like Colbert tweaked the questions a little bit over the years … I found several small variations online. I picked the group of questions I found most often.
Here we go:
1. What’s the best sandwich?
Sliced summer tomatoes on white bread with Duke’s mayo, salt and pepper. Best eaten over the sink.
2. What’s one thing you own that you really should throw out?
My high-school AP History book (THE AMERICAN PAGEANT). I haven’t looked at it in at least 40 years. But I’ve got some handwritten notes in there that I took when I was 17. Can’t let it go.
3. What is the scariest animal?
The cottonmouth. Poisonous AND aggressive. An absolute jerk of a snake.
4. What was your first concert?
Nazareth and Blackfoot, Jacksonville Coliseum, 1980. I went with my friend Bert—he drove us down there in his Datsun 280Z. My main memory is that someone threw a pair of panties onstage during Nazareth’s set and the lead singer wore them on his head for most of the show.
5. Apples or oranges?
For the first 60 years of my life, I would have said oranges. Then a friend introduced me to the idea of keeping apples in the refrigerator. Cold apple slices are a REVELATION. Why did nobody tell me about this before?
6. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?
I’ve had authors sign their books, but I’m not sure that’s the same thing … otherwise, I don’t think so.
7. What do you think happens when we die?
There’s a Tom Waits song called “Down There By the Train”—the first version I heard was the one by Johnny Cash. It’s the most radical song I know. It pictures an afterlife where we are all redeemed:
There’s a golden moon that shines up through the mist
And I know that your name can be on that list
There’s no eye for an eye, there’s no tooth for a tooth
I saw Judas Iscariot carrying John Wilkes Booth
I’m not even sure I believe that’s what happens when we die. But it’s what I’m hoping for.
8. Favorite action movie?
THE BOURNE SUPREMACY. Second in the Bourne series. A perfect movie down to the last line: “Get some rest, Pam. You look tired.”
9. Favorite smell?
The seawater funk of the marsh on the Georgia coast where I grew up.
10. Exercise: worth it?
Of course. Although I try to talk myself out of it whenever possible.
11. Flat or sparkling?
Flat. Otherwise called “water.”
12. Most used app on your phone?
I would like to say ESPN. But I just checked. It’s Instagram. Damn those reels. Those A.I. cats are so funny!
13. You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it?
The Jackson 5, “I Want You Back.” Two minutes and 57 seconds of pure joy, while Michael was still young and innocent.
14. What number am I thinking of?
I’m guessing 11.
15. Describe the rest of your life in 5 words.
It’s all about the mystery.
Now it’s your turn! Let’s see your answers in the comments. —TT
My books DOGLAND and THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM are available in all formats pretty much everywhere books are sold.
1. What’s the best sandwich?
Pastrami on rye with a half-sour on the side and a Cel-Ray soda.
2. What’s one thing you own that you really should throw out?
Memories of the worst boss I ever had.
3. What is the scariest animal?
A shark. Merciless, with dead eyes.
4. What was your first concert?
Bobby Sherman. (Best concert: The Eagles, Hotel California, at the Miami Sportatorium. The opening act was Jimmy Buffet.)
5. Apples or oranges?
While I appreciate the perfection of peanut butter on an apple slice, I'd go with oranges. I've had many bad/mediocre apples, but I've never had a bad orange.
6. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?
Yep: Two. Julia Child and Anthony Bourdain. I have a type.
7. What do you think happens when we die?
Something better than this.
8. Favorite action movie?
Aliens.
9. Favorite smell?
Onions sautéing in a cast iron skillet.
10. Exercise: worth it?
Absolutely. (Although I don't recall this question as a regular watcher of Colbert, so I'm going to substitute my favorite followup to the best-smell question: The worst smell. Sidewalk puke on a hot day in New York City.)
11. Flat or sparkling?
Sparkling, if someone else is paying.
12. Most used app on your phone?
Facebook. But it only beats the New York Times by 6 minutes a week.
13. You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it?
Rhapsody in Blue.
14. What number am I thinking of?
42. Although that's the one I'm most curious to see how Colbert himself will answer.
15. Describe the rest of your life in 5 words.
Writing until I can't remember words.
1. What’s the best sandwich?
BLT on homemade bread.
2. What’s one thing you own that you really should throw out?
I am always in declutter mode. If I don't want it, its not here.
3. What is the scariest animal?
Any dog I don't know.
4. What was your first concert?
Styx.
5. Apples or oranges?
A sweet blood-orange.
6. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?
Yes. A TV movie of the week was filming in my small hometown in the early 80s and I got the autographs of the leads which happen to be Carrie Fisher and John Ritter. They are both written on separate torn pages of Holly Hobbie stationery.
7. What do you think happens when we die?
I am adopting Tommy's answer. My now husband/then boyfriend introduced me to the music of Tom Waits and I like what Tommy described.
8. Favorite action movie?
A nostalgic choice - Raiders of the Lost Ark
9. Favorite smell?
The early morning air
10. Exercise: worth it?
Absolutely. And yet, I try to talk myself out of it every. single. time.
11. Flat or sparkling?
Sparkling.
12. Most used app on your phone?
Podcast
13. You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it?
"Have a Little Faith in Me". John Hiatt. My then boyfriend/now husband played it for me on a cassette tape in my car and told me it would be "our song." We will be married 36 years next month.
14. What number am I thinking of?
7
15. Describe the rest of your life in 5 words.
Day by day with Michael.